Today I are been mostly annoyed by:

Number plates that are supposed to say something but clearly don’t – unless of course the idea is to have it scream ‘the owner of this car is a cunt’.

A wee tip for any shitehawks considering the purchase of such a ‘status symbol’ – all it is in fact symbolic of is your status as a vacuous prick, and furthermore a vacuous prick lacking the money to buy a decent personal plate -by ‘decent’ I mean something you don’t have to squint at in order to relate it to someone’s name or car. Congratulations, you are now announcing from both ends of your car that you have no taste, no money and no brain.

I would also wish to add the following; if you have to add your name in small letters at the bottom of the plate for clarification purposes then what you have in fact purchased my friend, is a worthless piece of shit. A good plate will need no clarification and this is largely the benchmark.

If you need to add an extra bolt or two to make a 7 look like a T then you’ve bought something that will only serve to make you look like a halfwit at best. A 7 with 2 black bolts to one side is just that. It isn’t a T and no leap of faith or suspension of disbelief is ever going to change that. You deserve a sound thrashing and you obviously want the world to know this.

Irish registrations: I’d like to point out that we ALL know that they’re Irish plates -YOU ARE FOOLING NOBODY. These plates are about the price of a cup of coffee and so effectively all you’re telling the world is that you’re really cheap. Well, I didn’t want to say, but we’d figured that for ourselves - that’s presumably why half your 1989 Escort is still in grey primer – you spent the paint money on a shit number plate and a massive exhaust, you big daft twat. 

Finally, when your number plate is worth more than the car you’ve plastered it on, you really need to look at your priorities. Nobody is going to think you are rich/cool/quirky/clever/not a cock if you stick a 500 quid plate on something that would be worth more to a scrap dealer than a car dealer.

There are some great plates about – examples I’ve seen recently include; CLA 55Y, P1 KEY, MU51 CAL and N1 TRO – it’s clear what they say and they may even make you smile to the same degree as a piss-poor one will make you fear for the state of the world we live in.

I don’t even have a problem with the cheap end of the market like for example, A18 RHG if it’s someone’s initials and they’re not being overly twattish about it, although it’s still hugely redundant and why the fuck do you need your initials on your car anyway? It’s a registration plate - ALL cars have this semi-random stream of alphanumeric characters and it’s there solely so that the authorities can keep track of you and your car - expressing your individuality by accentuating this fact seems a little ironic. You are allowing – no, sorry, paying the DVLA more money on a purely voluntary basis so that you can customise the system that they put in place. Your aim? So that you can show what a free-thinking individual you truly are. Congratulations.

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