Category: Stuff


Kickstarter.com is a fantastic idea and the whole notion of crowd-funding is one that makes great sense. However…

Having backed a couple of projects on Kickstarter.com I’ve been disappointed with how things have panned out. The problem is this – as it’s basically a forum for ill-experienced entrepreneurial folk with an idea to seek backing in exchange for being one of the first people to receive the finished product, it seems that anything more complex than a quirky comic is subject to manufacturing delays that are directly proportional to the inexperience (and perhaps also the naivety) of those involved.

Essentially, I love Kickstarter but I wish people had done their research properly before launching a project.

In a nutshell it works a little (well, quite a lot) like this:

“I have an idea for a really cool product that I think people will really get behind, so rather than try to shamelessly whore my invention around major players and have them make all the money I’m going to cut them out of the loop and do it all, with the help of a few bright-eyes but similarly clueless friends.

I therefore invite you to give me your money now and let me hold onto it for the foreseeable future while I figure out all the things I should have probably looked into in the first place before giving an estimated delivery date that I don’t have a cat in hell’s chance of meeting because I had no idea that I’d have to spend half my time in china getting the thing ready for production, getting the factory sorted and tooled up, components sourced, the prototypes built, final versions tested and certified etc. During this time, you’ll becoming increasingly frustrated at the slipping timescales and so I’ll send you monthly updates on the whole tedious process along with glimpses of something you may finally receive. Unfortunately, also during this time, the massive R&D developments of the big players that I cut out of the loop initially by publicly crowd-funding my idea will have cottoned on to it and thrown their vast resources at refining it and producing something far better, which will incidentally also hit the market sooner because they know how these things work and have established relationships with factories and are familiar with QA procedures and the like. Never mind that though, because ultimately you will receive the shiny thing that was ahead of the game two years ago when you gave me your money, and while it may be obsolete by then, at least you helped to make it possible. By the way, I’m rich now, so thanks anyway.”

I’m looking at you, Pebble and LIFX.

Pebble: Thank you for eventually sending me a really nice product that scratches so easily I daren’t wear it unless I’m in bed – either alone or with someone who isn’t wearing jewellery and doesn’t have sharp finger nails or dry skin, or a rapier-like wit or anything else that might leave my watch with a gaping wound. As a result of being the most delicate wrist-worn item in history, it lives on my bedside unit while I continue to wear my unscratchable quartz-crystal-screened Seiko Kinetic and get my phone out of my pocket when I need to. I turn it on now and again to admire it in terms of what it very nearly was.

LIFX: Where are my fucking lightbulbs? Well?

L

Bragging, elephant-murdering bum-faced buffoon Bob Parsons of GoDaddy, the worlds largest domain name registrar apparently finds murdering elephants with a high-powered rifle to be particularly satisfying. As one of the WWF’s largest global affiliates, my company thinks otherwise and so today I’ve decided that I can’t possibly keep our domains with this gormless prick any longer and in doing so pay for his dim-witted shootathons.

With immediate effect the 52 animal charity-related domain names that we have with his company are being moved to domainmonster.com, and hundreds more of our domain names will follow – this will cost him 500USD each year with immediate effect since the domains in question are due for renewal in a few days time – once the others have moved he’ll be down a few grand of our money every single year from now on and I won’t be darkening his doors again.

Reading the comments on his blog has only reinforced my position.

I’m not one for moral crusades in the slightest but I’m not going to fund his antics and I’d urge anyone in a similar position to do likewise. Yeah they’re cheap, but I’d rather pay a little bit more per domain to know that my money is not only staying in the UK, but isn’t lining the pockets of an unprincipled, macho, sexist cock-end with an ill-advised earring. Hope you go hunting with Donald Rumsfeld sometime soon you beady-eyed ballbag.

GoDaddy – GoFuckYourself.

L

Just reading a couple of hotel reviews on Trip Advisor. You know you can discount comments from a certain reviewer when someone says something like this: “The staff are very polite and well mannered. At dinner you get seated and a waiter gets your drinks, it is all very professional”.

Fu-cking-hell. Now that’s service…

Where in the name of arse do you normally stay?

“normally where we stay it’s self-service and we have to add water to a variety of pot noodles so this was a real treat. We felt like royalty for the whole week.”

OK, so I made that bit up, but still….

L

The modern day equivalent of “the cheque’s in the post”.

Why is it that someone will ask you to get something for them and then be completely unable or unprepared to pay you for it? I don’t wish to sound petty, and anyone who knows me will hopefully know that I am a pretty generous person with both my time and what little money I have left each month – but I do get a bit sick and tired of people asking me to go out of my way to pick things up for them and then having no means of reimbursing me when I rock up with the goods, and then subsequently conveniently forgetting all about it.

This leaves one with 2 options. Nag them about it and potentially appear petty, or get over it and pay for it yourself.

Too often I seem to wuss out and see the latter as the easy course of  action. It’s ok when it’s a one-off but persistent offenders are plainly either taking the piss, or are just clueless dicks. Or both.

Henceforth I shall not allow the piss to be taken and will go out of my way to take option 1 and potentially appear petty.

Family and close friends are excluded from this rant as I love you and you’re welcome to anything I have. Randoms and casual acquaintances are not. I don’t do it to others, so don’t do it to me. If you expect me to go out of my way for your benefit I ask nothing more than to be compensated for what it cost me – and perhaps a thankyou. I don’t think this is too much to ask.

Failing that just be honest: “Will you please buy this for me?”

I might, I might not, but at least we’ll both be being honest.

L

I have just walked past 2 children, one on a perfectly normal bike, the other peddaling a small plastic tractor along the pavement.

I had an (almost) overwhelming urge to swagger up to the wannabe Young Farmer, grin smugly, and utter the words ‘mate, that’s a shit tractor’, before walking away, leaving a disillusioned child in my wake.

I don’t  know why I felt compelled to do this, but the very fact that I did not makes me feel slightly less evil and joyless – on the outside at least.

To be fair though, it was a particularly shit tractor.

L

Dear Old People,

Why do you insist on going supermarket shopping weekday lunchtimes? You can go shopping whenever you like, so why pick the busiest time of the day when every wage-slave in the country is running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to buy a sub-standard sandwich from somewhere before returning to an afternoon of facebook, clock-watching and tepid office flirtation.

You could go in the mornings or the afternoons when all you’d have to contend with is the unemployed buying scratchcards and shiny pink sandwich ham and value bread, but no – you all go shopping at peak times and womble around cluttering up the aisles like heavily-sedated telepathic bollards.

Granted, you’re pre-programmed to a degree – you’ve probably become conditioned to shopping at lunchtimes back when you had a similarly soul-mangling job and made a valid contribution to society, but now that sole purpose of your days is propping up the teabag and cake industries and talking about your ailments you could probably do this during quieter periods – for your sake as much as everyone else’s. Dont wibble about tutting loudly at anyone who appears to be in a rush – you’re actually the reason we have to dart about like coke-fuelled meerkats for an hour each day.

Thanks for that. Thanks a lot.

Oh, and get off the roads please.

That would be awesome.

L

PS. I got through that tirade-ette without having to resort to mentioning the fact that some of you smell a little bit.

I just wish… I just wish… I just wish Scouting for Girls would fuck off.

I just wish… I just wish… I just wish Scouting for Girls would fuck off.

(But I’ll get by without your shite, and I’ll get through without you)

L

More blue-sky thinking from the Bank of England today when they referred to the possibility of a couple of quarters of ‘negative growth’. This, my city friends, is what the rest of us call ‘decline’ or something ‘having gone to shit’.

It’s ok… you CAN say the word ‘decline’ – you’re fooling nobody in avoiding it though your chosen terminology does tend to fill me with ‘reverse joy’.

L

I’m guessing I’m not the only one who finds the term Credit Crunch to be mildly irritating – these days it seems even economic deterioration has to be sexed up to make us care. I am therefore working on a series of alternative (but hopefully just as, if not more snappy) titles for the current financial situation and invite your submissions.

BankWank

MoneyMania

FuelFelch

Oh and please don’t encourage me to mention that as a nation we would have about another 50-100bn ‘in the bank’ if we hadn’t spent it on an oil-fuelled war that’s driven up oil prices, increased inflation and pushed us into recession in the first place… well, along with responsible mortgage lenders giving 467% mortgages to anyone with a salary of 11 pence a year that is…

Still – at least i’s made the world a safer place…

L

Is it just me or…

Is the ‘death’ of Dermot Morgan of Father Ted fame and the surprise finding of Radovan Karadzic, twat of the first order, a little suspicious? I put it to you that they are in fact the same person.

Let us consider the photographic evidence:

Dermot Morgan as Father Ted in the hit Channel 4 comedy series of the same name.

_44851846_karadzic_ap203i_201×150.jpg

Now, let’s take a look at Radovan Karadzic:

ted_2.jpg

Conclusive proof I think you’ll agree.

L