Dear Old People,

Why do you insist on going supermarket shopping weekday lunchtimes? You can go shopping whenever you like, so why pick the busiest time of the day when every wage-slave in the country is running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to buy a sub-standard sandwich from somewhere before returning to an afternoon of facebook, clock-watching and tepid office flirtation.

You could go in the mornings or the afternoons when all you’d have to contend with is the unemployed buying scratchcards and shiny pink sandwich ham and value bread, but no – you all go shopping at peak times and womble around cluttering up the aisles like heavily-sedated telepathic bollards.

Granted, you’re pre-programmed to a degree – you’ve probably become conditioned to shopping at lunchtimes back when you had a similarly soul-mangling job and made a valid contribution to society, but now that sole purpose of your days is propping up the teabag and cake industries and talking about your ailments you could probably do this during quieter periods – for your sake as much as everyone else’s. Dont wibble about tutting loudly at anyone who appears to be in a rush – you’re actually the reason we have to dart about like coke-fuelled meerkats for an hour each day.

Thanks for that. Thanks a lot.

Oh, and get off the roads please.

That would be awesome.

L

PS. I got through that tirade-ette without having to resort to mentioning the fact that some of you smell a little bit.