Archive for October, 2007


Anyone who drives around in a car wearing a hi viz jacket who is not actually a policeman is a cock and shall henceforth be publicly mocked.

Anyone who drives around in a car wearing a hi viz jacked or vest who IS a police officer or is also quite probably very much a cock, but for different reasons.

I feel its an important distinction however and one that has to be recorded.

Going Postal

Royal Mail; for going on strike whenever I have something important in the post, which is actually only about once every couple of years and yet you manage to time it to eerie perfection.

I’m glad we have telephones and e-mails and texts etc as we’d all be fucked if we had total reliance on you pricks. Never trust a grown man who spends the bulk of his time wearing shorts and delivering letters (at lunchtime, a week too fucking late).

Pricks, some.

1) People who run MSN Messenger / Windows Live Messenger full-screen.

2) People who type URLs into Google and then cick the resulting link instead of typing it into the address bar and going staight there.

3) People who use Microsoft Word as a file browser and are unable to navigate their PCs without it.

4) People who can’t send pictures by e-mail because they think they’re magic and instead opt for inserting said image into a Word document and sending you that instead.

5) People who don’t understand image optimisation either in theory or practice and therefore e-mail you a 3MB bitmap when a JPEG would be about 35K.

6) People who are amazed that a cheap wireless access point has a finite range and will not in fact work from the other side of their massive mansion with foot-thick fucking walls. Tight-arsed retards.

7) People who install every shitty piece of freeware, malware and twatware that they encounter while trawling the Internet for smut and are subsequently genuinely surprised when their PC no longer works, or their credit card has been abused to the moon and back by a criminal gang in Romania.

8) (edit: I typed 8 actually for the record, not a fucking smiley face) People who use “password” as a password and think it makes their lives any easier than using something sensible that may actually stop them being hacked by any passing foetus.

9) People who let their children use their “absolutely business critical” laptop and are then stunned to find that they’ve fucked it up in some way or filled it with viruses and related shite, and who then kick off that they can’t use it for work and they have something realy really really fucking vital to do. Tough titties.

10) People who never learn that you do in most cases get what you pay for – the kind of people who get free broadband from Crap-Phone Whorehouse, Talk Shite etc and then can’t quite believe that even when it does work it’s a bit shit and that the only support is via a premium rate phone number, the result being an outlay greater than that of going with a decent proider in the first place.

11) People who buy Celeron laptops running Vista and can’t quite understand why it’s slow. It cost you 350 quid and you bought it from a supermarket – that’s why it’s slow, and while we’re at it, so are you.

12) People who despite having been told to restart a PC before they report a fault are incapable of doing so, even though it almost always solves the problem in about 2 minutes flat.

13) People who think backups are a waste of time and then act like they’re a victim of some heinous crime when their HD crashes and they lose all their data.

14) People who tell you how important some specific area of their IT infrastructure is to their business but who won’t spend any money on it.

15) People who send EVERY fucking e-mail marked as High Importance. One day you may send something important (that’d make a change now wouldn’t it) and I’ll overlook it because you send all your fucking e-mails marked as High Importance. It will serve you right and I’ll delight in explaining how it came to be overlooked and why you’re a prick.

16) People who send trivial e-mails about nothing worthwhile and feel the need to widen their audience by CC’ing them to every man, woman, child and sentient being on the planet thereby cluttering up the collective inbox of Earthkind to no avail.

17) People who, when asked if a cable is plugged in as it should be from say a wall-mounted Cat5E socket to the back of a PC respond with “I don’t know – I’m not technical”. No, but you are really fucking stupid. If someone asked you if you had an arrow sticking out of your head would you reply with something like “I don’t know – I have no formal medical qualifications”?

18) People who change their e-mail address every other fucking day.

19) People who phone you back literally 2 minutes after they called your office and found that you were busy and left a message asking you to call them back, or, even worse, people who keep calling your mobile repeatedly when you can’t answer because you’re busy. How do you not realise that this is the same as standing in a crowded room shouting “everybody listen to me – right now – come on – listen to me.” You wouldn’t do that, I assume? No? Right – so don’t do this either you impatient, self-important knobhead.

20) People who think that the licence they bought for one copy of MS Office 2003 Basic OEM 3 years ago can be installed on every single one of the 20 machines in their office and are amazed that Microsoft take steps to prevent them from doing so.

21) People who think that Blackberry devices aren’t awful. They are.

22) People who think that IT guys have a magic way of making all spam e-mails vanish never to bother them again while leaving all genuine e-mails unmolested. Worse still, those who think that 3-4 spam mails on a monday morning constitutes ‘a major problem with spam”.

There will be more, but thankfully I can’t think of them right now.

L