Archive for August, 2007


Bono

Instead of wanking on endlessly about terrible things and mincing around raising other people’s money he could just give 95% of his personal fortune away and not miss it – I mean, if he genuinely feels that fucking strongly and wasn’t just trying to look cool, and wanted some credibility.

The benefit of this would be at least two-fold; not only would people in shitty (shittier?) countries lives be saved and their suffering mitigated, but ours would also be better as we wouldn’t have to listen to him bleating on and being such a self-righteous smug bogtrotting prick.

So, Bono – the choice is yours – if you really want to save the world and those of us who live in it then quite literally put your money where your mouth is, and then shut your mouth – otherwise people might just think that you’re a greedy hotel-owning leather-clad anus with an array of wank hats and shite sunglasses.

Your only redeeming quality is that you’ve not started playing the lute yet like Sting does when he’s not too busy gluing the bark back on trees in some random rainforest, the yoghurt-weaving twat.

Yes, it’s a Good Thing that you want to help and it’s good that you bring worthy causes to our attention, but when you could write a cheque now that would have a massive impact, why are you not doing that and shutting the fuck up?

And your music is, and always has been, bland whining derivative toss. You are ‘Cliff Richard with a stylist’ as far as I’m concerned.

You knob.

L

I was watching a program called Grownups on BBC3 last night and feel strangely vindicated by one of the lines therein:

“Maybe I need to lower my standards – point me in the direction of Stockport”.

Ladies, please avoid wearing tops with strong horizontal stripes as they prevent my eyes from being able to focus properly on your breasts. Thank you.

That is all.

When some foetus first decided that it was a good idea to halve the capacity of the A6 by making half of it into a bus lane, I was a bit miffed I have to say. Surely, I am not the only person to whom this ‘solution’ would appear to be borderline lunacy. What this amounts to is those responsible for this decision sitting in a room and collectively agreeing that the best way to tackle congestion on one of the main arterial routes into Manchester is to effectively reduce it’s capacity by 50% – limiting the availability of one of it’s precious two lanes to less than 1% of the traffic during peak times.

It is testimony to the truely shitty state of public transport in this country that most people still opt to sit in their cars even though their average journey time has now increased substantially along with their fuel costs, emissions and stress levels. Can someone also please explain why taxis are allowed in bus lanes? Last I checked they were no more efficient than my car – in fact I’d bet you a pound to a pinch of piss that quite the reverse is true.

While the queues of traffic heading towards Manchester become ever longer, drivers cannot help but become increasingly frustrated by such a typically British attempt to drive them out of their cars and onto public transport – that being through financial penalties and sheer frustration rather than making public transport an attractive proposition. Cheap, clean, reliable and even reasonably pleasant public transport cannot be that difficult to achieve – although thanks to the fact that this country is increasingly going to crap, it’s difficult to imagine how you get the screaming chavs to shut up – a major factor in ‘bus atmosphere’ – aside from offering them sportswear vouchers if they sit in a soundproof trailer towed behind the bus where they can feel free to get scream and swear as loud as they like, and to get each other stoned / pissed / pregnant or all of the above with impunity.

It is difficult to imagine how planners could ever hope to coax road users out of comfort of their own vehicles and onto dirty, noisy and generally unpleasant buses – you only have to take a single bus on a busy route during busy periods for it to make you an ever more ardent car lover. Planners seem to want the best of both worlds – fewer cars on the road during peak periods, but without any investment in the public transport infrastructure – THIS WILL NEVER, EVER WORK.

This half arsed collection of half arsed ideas masquerading as a transport policy is set to step up a gear with the introduction of an “only rich people can afford to drive into the city centre from now on” tax in the near future. This will ensure environmental integrity by allowing only the more affluent members of society (such as it is) into the city centre in their legendarily fuel-efficient and compact 5 litre BMWs, Jags, Mercs, Audi A8s, ‘Chelsea tractors’ – they will furthermore be able to proceed unimpeded by us mere proles in our perfectly reasonable average sized cars getting 3 times as much to the exhorbitantly priced gallon and producing far less CO2. Anyone else think this is a crock?

Anyway, dragging myself back to the point of this rant (yes, it does have at least one although I admit it’s rapidly morphing into more of an epic stream of mindpiss than a particularly focussed piece) – thanks to the majority of the British public being simple sheep-like idiots who are incapable of reading road signs, you tend to find that nobody takes any notice of when the bus lanes are actually in operation, meaning that these pointless cretins stay out of them almost all the time – even at weekends! This provides the select few of us who are a little more engaged with our surroundings with an express lane, almost completely free of imbeciles. It’s very similar, now that I come to think about it, to how the bus lane makes life easier for buses and their poor unfortunate captives during their hours of operation!

Now, as far as I’m concerned, if I’m driving on a road with a 30MPH limit then I’m perfectly free to drive in the left-hand lane at a constant 30MPH subject to prevailing conditions, and if there happen to be 20 imbeciles in the wrong lane doing 20MPH, blindly following each other in the wrong lane, then I’m the one in the right and they’re not only not paying attention to the road signs, but they’re in direct contravention of the Highway Code. How in any sane world could I ever be judged wrong for being in the right lane at the right time, having paid attention to all the relevant and pertinent information, while those around me are blissfully and dangerously unaware of where they should be and why?

I find myself again turning to the French as an example – a nation that we’re led to believe turn into frenzied psychos the minute their car door doesn’t close properly. French motorists stick almost fanatically to their rules regarding lane discipline. Overtaking on French motorways works like this; you’re in lane 1 approaching a care moving more slowly than yours. You put your indicator on and pull into lane 2. You pass the slower car with your indicator on to tell everyone behind that you are overtaking someone. When you have passed the slower car you turn your indicator off and return to lane 1. It’s frighteningly effective and even more startlingly well adhered to by French motorists.

At the same time I find that the ‘middle lane specialists’ on Britain’s motorways have recently gone up in the world and can now often be found driving / sleeping in lane 3 on 4 lane motorways!

Now just before you go thinking that I’m trying to establish the French as a paragon of motoring virtue, safety and common sense, I feel it’s only fair to introduce a French concept called priorité à droite - that’s really something else entirely and really quite fucked up.

Seriously – Google it – and please – don’t have nightmares.

L