Archive for May, 2007

I see this:


What I read however is this:



That is all.


Been meaning to write about this for a good couple of weeks – well, since the event itself in fact. As I’ve left it so long, much of the more amusing parts of the tale will no doubt slip my mind right now, but I still felt the need to put pen to paper as it were.

As anyone who knows me at all will happily confirm, religion is not a big part of my life – it never has been and barring a serious head injury I can comfortably say that it never will be.

I consider myself to be an equal opportunities non-believer and therefore remain happy to denounce any and all religions, both organised and not so. I remain tolerant of all religions provided that they leave me alone and do not encroach on or endanger my life and I do not impose my views and lack of faith on those of a religious predilection unless it’s in self-defence.  

I’ll get to the point.

Some time ago my gf and I were invited to a christening. This was the cause of not insignificant unrest chez nous, due in no small part to me not being one to set foot inside such establisments and attend religious ceremonies. Many people with a more benign distrust of religion would have attended without any significant objection but I find it difficult to put my principles aside.

Having met the parents of the poor prospective indoctrinee it amused me slightly to find that the mother was not burdened by any great religious beliefs of her own and like many people was pretty much taking the path of least resistance – in fact the first time we met some months ago, we ended up having a discussion about just how rubbish organised religion really is, which seemed slightly at odds with then being invited to her son’s christening, but there you go.

Anyway, I was dragged kicking and screaming into a church where I sat and did my best not to get the giggles for about 40 minutes which worked by and large, even when the full-on indoctrination/brainwashing began and I was indirectly subjected to that which I abhorr – inducting a child into the ways of the church when they are incapable of objecting to it.

Apparently this particular child now “belongs to Jesus” and that should give him great comfort in later years. I for one feel that there is more joy and fulfilment to be gained from joining Blockbuster Video, but maybe that’s just me. A lot of people get a lot of comfort from it I suppose, but I’ve never been one for blind faith. I was brought up to question everything and so religion was one of the first things to make me say “hang on a minute……”.

There were a couple of touch and go moments as the parish vicar did his best to make century-old dogma seem relevant and attractive with the most tenuous of tales and analogies. My particular favourite was his statement that Jesus had his arms open on the cross as he is welcoming us all into his flock – personally I was under the distinct impression that he had little input into the adopted ‘pose’ and that it was because some fucker had nailed his hands to a plank, but you live and learn…

He went on (and on) and one of his next lessons involved taking us back to his school days whereupon he promptly established a direct link between an X next to an incorrect maths homework answer with the cross that Jesus was crucified on, saying that it’s symbolic of having sinned or having made a wrong choice, but that you learn from these mistakes. Would you trust someone who freely admits to being terrible at maths (ie logic!) to thoroughly understand the subject matter and put forward a balanced view?

In a world where different factions of people kill each other over who has the best imaginary friend, the warning sign by the moss-covered stone path alongside the church couldn’t be more prophetic:

“Caution: This path may be slippery.”

Amen to that.


Sat behind one of these a couple of days ago. How Stockport is this?!

It even had a really shitty number plate (see a previous rant) that I shall refrain from revealing here just because I don’t want to burden anyone else with the horror of it. Suffice to say it had the customary non-regulation spacing and it ended in 5 HAZ, and I believe any more information than that would be largely redundant. Anyway, ‘5haz’, your car is a piece of pimply shit and so, presumably, are you.

Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom.

Not Basil Brush at a rave – another little chav in a Saxo pumping out low frequencies at me while he sits around waiting for the lights nearby to change.

Thanks a cocking bunch you selfish little anus, I’m glad I spent a small fortune on a decent home cinema setup.

I should try to find a DVD of “Stockport By Night”(if such a thing exists) so that I can fully relax and immerse myself in the quality of the sound emanating from all around me, willingly suspend my disbelief and bask in the glorious quality of my audio gear -“it’s so good you can almost feel the bass from a scrote driving past in a small shit car with some 16 year old mother of 3″, “the realism is amazing”.

‘spose the only consolation is that they’ll be deaf in later life and thinking on I should maybe get some Dylan-esque cards made up with a series of expletives on so that I can continue to bait them when the time comes.

…and a spare for Bob Dylan while we’re on the subject. Sounds like a stoned bee trapped in a drainpipe. Yes, I’m sure his lyrics are mindblowing and inspirational but he bores me to tears.

If you want to hear some dull old pisswit bang on about the state of things, just check back here instead. Quicker, quieter, less nasal and much more to the point.

I feel better now.