Please, just make it stop.

Dear Old People,

Why do you insist on going supermarket shopping weekday lunchtimes? You can go shopping whenever you like, so why pick the busiest time of the day when every wage-slave in the country is running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to buy a sub-standard sandwich from somewhere before returning to an afternoon of facebook, clock-watching and tepid office flirtation.

You could go in the mornings or the afternoons when all you’d have to contend with is the unemployed buying scratchcards and shiny pink sandwich ham and value bread, but no - you all go shopping at peak times and womble around cluttering up the aisles like heavily-sedated telepathic bollards.

Granted, you’re pre-programmed to a degree - you’ve probably become conditioned to shopping at lunchtimes back when you had a similarly soul-mangling job and made a valid contribution to society, but now that sole purpose of your days is propping up the teabag and cake industries and talking about your ailments you could probably do this during quieter periods - for your sake as much as everyone else’s. Dont wibble about tutting loudly at anyone who appears to be in a rush - you’re actually the reason we have to dart about like coke-fuelled meerkats for an hour each day.

Thanks for that. Thanks a lot.

Oh, and get off the roads please.

That would be awesome.

L

PS. I got through that tirade-ette without having to resort to mentioning the fact that some of you smell a little bit.

I just wish… I just wish… I just wish Scouting for Girls would fuck off.

I just wish… I just wish… I just wish Scouting for Girls would fuck off.

(But I’ll get by without your shite, and I’ll get through without you)

L

More blue-sky thinking from the Bank of England today when they referred to the possibility of a couple of quarters of ‘negative growth’. This, my city friends, is what the rest of us call ‘decline’ or something ‘having gone to shit’.

It’s ok… you CAN say the word ‘decline’ - you’re fooling nobody in avoiding it though your chosen terminology does tend to fill me with ‘reverse joy’.

L

I’m guessing I’m not the only one who finds the term Credit Crunch to be mildly irritating - these days it seems even economic deterioration has to be sexed up to make us care. I am therefore working on a series of alternative (but hopefully just as, if not more snappy) titles for the current financial situation and invite your submissions.

BankWank™

MoneyMania™

FuelFelch™

Oh and please don’t encourage me to mention that as a nation we would have about another 50-100bn ‘in the bank’ if we hadn’t spent it on an oil-fuelled war that’s driven up oil prices, increased inflation and pushed us into recession in the first place… well, along with responsible mortgage lenders giving 467% mortgages to anyone with a salary of 11 pence a year that is…

Still - at least i’s made the world a safer place…

L

Is the ‘death’ of Dermot Morgan of Father Ted fame and the surprise finding of Radovan Karadzic, twat of the first order, a little suspicious? I put it to you that they are in fact the same person.

Let us consider the photographic evidence:

Dermot Morgan as Father Ted in the hit Channel 4 comedy series of the same name.

Now, let’s take a look at Radovan Karadzic:

Conclusive proof I think you’ll agree.

L

Please stop putting iTunes, Quicktime and Safari icons back on my desktop without asking every single time I am forced to upgrade your rotten software.

That is all.

L

L

I pressed the snooze button on my alarm so many times this morning that by rights it should already be tomorrow.

L

Why is it that supermarket car parks are full of brainless and incredibly lazy people who’ll happily spend five minutes trying to find a parking space 25 yards closer to the store than to park in one one the several hundred empty ones less than 30 seconds walk further away?

I find that these days it’s far easier to park 2/3rds of the way out of the car park as you tend to completely avoid the brainless lazy fuckers mentioned above who are all busy clogging the arteries of the car park while waiting a minute or two for someone to reverse out of a parking space three spaces closer than the empty one they drove past a second or two earlier…

I can park 100 yards away, still get into the store a couple of minutes before them, stand far less risk of getting my car damaged as they try to get the car doors opened wide enough to squeeze their fat arses out, and ultimately get out of the car park a fuck of a lot faster too!

Dicks.

L

…tell that prick from ‘Polaris World’ that his company would be considerably more successful if they replaced his shitting terrible presence on his adverts with that of someone capable of uttering something intelligible and perhaps even capable of separating words in some meaningful way.

It seems that appears on his own adverts because he’s hoping to achieve some notoriety and fame in a vain attempt to draw a line through his appearance as that of a rich frustrated 40-something virgin who can’t even buy a fuck.

I feel I need a little more phlegm to denounce his awful presentation skills in an appropriate manner.

Is there a welshman in the house?

It seems that they have an almost parallel existence apart from the weather - they have similarly phlegm-reliant languages, a similar devotion to ovine and caprine cruelty, no sustainable independent economy etc…

L